Guest Post: Author – Anonymous
Tonight, as I write this note, the moment is still fresh and vivid, so is the feeling. In this the same hotel room that it happened, I took the courage to enter its door – it still has the same windowpane soaked in the rain that felt the cold night; still the same bed that impressed the warmth after; and still the same mirror that witnessed the utter confusion. It happened again, tonight; but I was never exactly the same person who entered the doorsteps of this prison. I am now a different person. The person who is progressively accepting his reality because no matter what, I have to choose where I want to be.
I know it’s been more than a year; it’s been more than a year since the last time I felt I was caged in a dark prison, wanting to help myself escape from my haunting reality. Something happened and the feeling was enormously confusing as you were turning the lights off and whispered the unsolicited words I never thought that will come from you, two words that I never imagined that will change my life – a total revamped, “Be Yourself.” I was paralyzed for a second. I did not know what to do whether to give in and take it as the best advice someone could give or to resist because I fear. However, I chose the latter, I decided not to bargain for what the circumstance was trying to bid because I have nothing to tender yet. And I think, I made the best decision not to gamble. I had to preserve myself.
The next day after, I sat in a problematic position still thinking about what happened the other night. I asked myself whether to applaud you for noticing the reality I have been living secretly or should I destroy you into pieces so that no one will ever know the furtive me. Then, you woke up, you had to go. The four-day show was over.
I brought you to the airport, stormed through obstacles and anxious whether you were able to catch your flight. And we made it. As we were sitting in the cafeteria, I was trying to count every minute of that moment and asked myself many times, will I ever see you again? Yet I kept it to myself, because I know we will. I assured myself that I still have years coming not to make it happen. Then, the time has arrived, you had to depart, you gave me an embrace, and that feeling of confusion struck again. You said goodbye.
I received an international call from your father, he was checking if you were safe. I said yes. I did not even realize that the four days will break my insurance for who I thought I am.
Days, weeks, and months have passed and still I was reminiscing every nostalgic moment we had and your interesting stories. Everything was perfect. You were perfect. You said you were going to Southwestern Europe to chase your dreams and make it happen. I supported you, all the way, as a friend. I did all my best to help you in your endeavors –I did it because it was my choice and you never demand for it. I gave it freely.
For more than a year, our all-nighter conversation continued, probably checking what we are up to in life or by simply talking about the good times we had. You promised things and I believed them because I had no reasons not to. There was a time you deliberately ignored me for a month, because you were afraid that I was falling in love with you. I tried not to open up everything because I know I will receive rejection. For that span of 30 days, I had sleepless nights, continuously questioning what I did wrong. Then I asked myself, is it a crime to be who I am? I was steadfastly looking for my true self. I thought someone will be with me the moment I was willing to open my eyes and I thought it was you. You said words that made me feel it was mutual. And I was wrong. I realized that I was seeking for something that only myself can give. I was blinded that it was going to be you who will rescue me even for the sake of friendship.
A misunderstanding happened – you valued your ego more than anything in this world. I judged you for that and I strongly think you deserve that judgment. There were moments that you value your ambitions more than the friendship. I cannot even fathom how you value and hold on too much into something you have never had yet. You apologized, not because you meant it but you said you rarely do that because you have an ego. What kind of person are you? I felt that you used me for your personal whims and selfish ambitions.
One night, I decided to send you a message confessing what I feel yet your reply was a mockery. You proved yourself that you are a selfish, conceited and judgmental individual. You questioned why I had to believe every word you say. From then on, I no longer know what to believe about you.
I blame myself for over-giving, maybe because subconsciously I was asking for your approval and attention. I tried too hard to be appreciated by the person who never appreciated me to begin with. I know after this, I will be whole again and I will take your last words as my greatest revenge.